Monday, August 10, 2015

Genetic Kinetics

When we had our first child in the delivery room I heard her cry and take her first breath. I was in awe that we would see a human being from her very beginning breath of life through so many firsts to come. No one would know of her life's narration like us. I've had no closer connection than parent and child. It is a force.

Last November I began getting irregular heart beats. My heart was beating out of my chest especially when I laid down at night. I could feel the adrenaline involuntarily flowing as my body tried to regulate the pace. I wondered if I would wake up the next morning. I had the emergency plan discussed with my partner if I couldn't speak or breath he knew what it was and what to do. I imagined myself pointing to my throat frantically unable to speak.

I thought I shocked my heart out of rhythm with the sudden cardio bursts when I used a trial gym membership and jogged for the first time in 'a while'. That's when I began to notice the arrhythmia, around Thanksgiving. "This old marathon heart has hung up her sneakers it has been too long, Little Mama". It continued into December so I attributed it to the stress of getting ready for an out of town trip that month.

When I got back the arrhythmia was still present so I addressed it.
My heart put on a show for the Primary and she sent me to the ER after the EKG. The show continued at the ER and even they were impressed, my heart beat was 110 then down then up and down. I was never faint it was more of a nuisance. After the cardiologist stress test and a 48 hour heart monitor on New Years eve, it turned out to be premature atrial and ventricle contractions. Not life threatening. I could take heart meds or deal with it on my own.

A relative had similar issues months before me and was diagnosed with anxiety.

What was my heart telling me?  I felt bad that I was so out of touch with myself that my heart had to go nuts to get me to listen. Yes, my mom's cancer was becoming more ever-present. I'll say we liked to just think she didn't feel well not that she was actually dying. She always felt bad then got better but the level to which "better" was starting from began to be pretty low around the same time as my heart issues began.

Instead of heart pills I turned to Reiki in February. Therapy without speaking. I didn't want to speak. My mom passed away in March. When she died I thought my heart has never beat without her in this world. Maybe the issue wasn't stress or loss. Maybe our energy connection was changing as she was getting closer to death and it made my heart out of sync. Now it has to rejigger, like I do, with the lost connection.
Heart next to my mom's safety deposit box I shared with her. I'd never seen it until I went to get some papers the day before she passed away. Who put that there? <3 

           ***Note: Since I've been getting Reiki my heart is much more regulated with few episodes of premature contractions.