Monday, November 24, 2014

I Think I Found Bill Cosby's Monster

In my job I play a detective. Trying to solve the mysteries of a person's source of muscular or body pain. Usually it is obvious, excessive computer use and sitting. Sometimes it's old whiplash. Every now and then I'm stumped. As we go on I ask more questions. I start to visualize myself in their body doing what they do for a living. As a teacher who stands in front of the class I feel where my arms and legs would be in order for one side of my body to be extremely tight (favors a leg). As a sales person often in the car why would my right arm be stiff (excessive texting). To solve the mystery I temporarily become them.

The past week I began to do this with Bill Cosby. The victims' stories are mind blowing so I have been compelled to make sense of it. How could such mysteriously bad behavior come from someone who acts like everyone's father? Why would anyone sane do these cowardly acts? It has made me feel tainted. If it is possible for him to fail at doing the right thing how close are any of us from becoming a monster?  I had to imagined myself as him to find the source I think to make sure we were different...enough.

I nixed the theory that it was a need for control; drugging someone into oblivion so you can have your way - there doesn't seem like anyone to control if they are unconscious. Too easy.

Why would someone want their rape victim knocked out...

So often the girls were 19 or close to it. Legally of age but still young enough to be unsure of themselves.

They were extra-ordinarily beautiful girls. So there is something about this age and beauty.

Today I got it.

My current theory goes something like this; when he was a young lad (pre famous) he was sexually shamed or sexually rejected by a beautiful girl who was aprox 19. Someone with whom he had strong feelings for. It was a pivotal moment that haunts him. It cripples him intimately.

He is intensely afraid of rejection and intimacy. 

As his fame grew getting beautiful women interested became easy but dealing with his fear of being sexually ridiculed/rejected was still there. With the fame came the partying and he began to see what the use of Quaaludes did via himself and the company he kept. Eventually he realized he could bypass the fear of rejection totally with whomever he was attracted to by getting them high. It became the norm to get them high before sex. I suppose fame played with his mind and he also began to feel entitled. He seemed to think if he helped them get a job or gave them a contact he was owed. Maybe it was 'they're using me I'll return the favor'. After all he was Bill Cosby. And it worked. Young girls are gullible and trusting (except of themselves). He found a rape loophole where everything lined up to work in his favor so he didn't get busted. He might have rationalized it as unspoken trade agreement.

Once he found his formula he eventually got so brazen as to create not one but two TV shows with a steady flow of 19 year olds streaming in. Think of the Cosby show and how Mr. Huxtable had 4 daughters all with staggered ages. He could keep the extras & understudies at around age 19 for 10 years if the show kept going. It did for 8 years. And then he created A Different World staring guess what? College freshmen girls*** 19 year olds!!*** I think there could be 100's of victims.

This is all a theory on an innocent man. But as a mature woman I am going to trust my instincts on this one.
P.S. Now I am thinking there could be an unresolved dad issue that caused self loathing too...