Monday, November 24, 2014

I Think I Found Bill Cosby's Monster

In my job I play a detective. Trying to solve the mysteries of a person's source of muscular or body pain. Usually it is obvious, excessive computer use and sitting. Sometimes it's old whiplash. Every now and then I'm stumped. As we go on I ask more questions. I start to visualize myself in their body doing what they do for a living. As a teacher who stands in front of the class I feel where my arms and legs would be in order for one side of my body to be extremely tight (favors a leg). As a sales person often in the car why would my right arm be stiff (excessive texting). To solve the mystery I temporarily become them.

The past week I began to do this with Bill Cosby. The victims' stories are mind blowing so I have been compelled to make sense of it. How could such mysteriously bad behavior come from someone who acts like everyone's father? Why would anyone sane do these cowardly acts? It has made me feel tainted. If it is possible for him to fail at doing the right thing how close are any of us from becoming a monster?  I had to imagined myself as him to find the source I think to make sure we were different...enough.

I nixed the theory that it was a need for control; drugging someone into oblivion so you can have your way - there doesn't seem like anyone to control if they are unconscious. Too easy.

Why would someone want their rape victim knocked out...

So often the girls were 19 or close to it. Legally of age but still young enough to be unsure of themselves.

They were extra-ordinarily beautiful girls. So there is something about this age and beauty.

Today I got it.

My current theory goes something like this; when he was a young lad (pre famous) he was sexually shamed or sexually rejected by a beautiful girl who was aprox 19. Someone with whom he had strong feelings for. It was a pivotal moment that haunts him. It cripples him intimately.

He is intensely afraid of rejection and intimacy. 

As his fame grew getting beautiful women interested became easy but dealing with his fear of being sexually ridiculed/rejected was still there. With the fame came the partying and he began to see what the use of Quaaludes did via himself and the company he kept. Eventually he realized he could bypass the fear of rejection totally with whomever he was attracted to by getting them high. It became the norm to get them high before sex. I suppose fame played with his mind and he also began to feel entitled. He seemed to think if he helped them get a job or gave them a contact he was owed. Maybe it was 'they're using me I'll return the favor'. After all he was Bill Cosby. And it worked. Young girls are gullible and trusting (except of themselves). He found a rape loophole where everything lined up to work in his favor so he didn't get busted. He might have rationalized it as unspoken trade agreement.

Once he found his formula he eventually got so brazen as to create not one but two TV shows with a steady flow of 19 year olds streaming in. Think of the Cosby show and how Mr. Huxtable had 4 daughters all with staggered ages. He could keep the extras & understudies at around age 19 for 10 years if the show kept going. It did for 8 years. And then he created A Different World staring guess what? College freshmen girls*** 19 year olds!!*** I think there could be 100's of victims.

This is all a theory on an innocent man. But as a mature woman I am going to trust my instincts on this one.
P.S. Now I am thinking there could be an unresolved dad issue that caused self loathing too...

Thursday, October 23, 2014

My Lessons When Someone Else Bares It All

When I'm away from massage on my few days off I feel a little strange coming back into it. Touching mostly nude people with MY hands. These hands that use to type 30 plus emails a day and answer phones at my old job now know something more therapeutic. I have to reassure myself this is happening and I know what to do. I can help melt knots and tight muscles, aide in a person's health and healing if they allow it.

With this job I have to deal with many personality types, like in life, but here I have learned to put up my protective shield to stop the unwanted energy/responsibility. I had one client who complained of a constant headache from a bad eye surgery. The first half we were talking about many ways she had tried to fix the pain but with no relief and how no doctor wanted to get involved. I found myself feeling ill with empathy from her dead end situation. I needed to put up the wall and do my work. I just tried to use the information to lead my hands. I felt relief when I let myself be o.k. with no responsibility to fix her but I did offer her some avenues for her journey.

In this business I could take a class on techniques every week for five years and still have not learned everything. I am an infant in massage. That's why now when I get a client who is picky, angry, or judgmental I handle it better than I did in the past. I used to battle intimidation by these types but in massage I'm more relaxed. I'm aware that I can't be anything other than who I currently am. I offer good intention and all the tools that I have. One can choose to receive that or not I can only do my part. One client told me at the end of a massage that it was " a blessing". That made me so happy because she received my message/massage :).

Therapists can take it personally when a client doesn't relax. I am getting great at separating someone else's STUFF from mine. I had a client whom I could tell was very protective and untrusting when she would scarcely fill out the intake form. On the table she was stiff and kept her bra on, her arms clutched under her chest, her eyes open, she wouldn't use the headrest and she had her phone with her on the table like a Teddy Bear. She lay on the table contorted. This was a massage I was tempted to stop because I felt like we were wasting our time. She was not even relaxing so what was the point. But I kept on and told myself, "this is her massage it's not about me". I figured out her fear came in with her as we just met. It's never from me. I wondered what experiences she might have had that made her so uncomfortable. When I lifted the sheet to massage her leg her purse lay there under the sheet with her. I had to laugh to myself. I began to empathize and figured this was probably a big step in trust for her so I was glad to be a part of it. She was finicky during the massage; don't touch this or that and can you put the lotion on this way. I obliged her requests because I felt like she wanted me to give up on her. She really put up a fight when someone was being nice to her and I doubt many people had stuck it out with her. She even said the massage was good when we ended. Wow, you just never know what someone has been through!


Sunday, May 4, 2014

Quickest Beet Salad


Drain canned beets

          Add 1/2 pack crumbled Feta

                  Drizzle balsamic vinegar


add chopped walnut
add sliced onion
add to a salad
add spinach
 Dance in circles with joy!

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Happy Things

Sometimes in my world what makes me happy are things. Time and time again these items boost me up and make my insides smile whether I need it or not.
Good smelling soap. Meyer's for the hands and Doctor Bronner's Magic Soaps for the shower.
Meyer's Basil
French wine that lists what grapes are in the bottle. 'Bout time! Hallelujah!!!
Coffee with body (I had a bad run for a few weeks).
Snacks that are flavorful without guilt (unless you eat the whole bag).
Our surprise new kid goat, Chuckie.
So happy spring from me to you. I hope you find things to make you smile in the daily madness of life. Peace!

Friday, February 14, 2014

A Year And The Removal Of My Siamese Twin

Almost a year ago in March we went to Las Vegas for a 4 day vacation and my life changed. I had a massage at the Golden Nugget for about $120.00. Now massages for me are sacred and infrequent so when this high dollar rub down was unimpressive I had to wonder if I could make a better living doing massage then my tired corporate 9:00-5:00. 

Spending 13 years in the same department I had many fantasies of other careers but nothing moved me enough to make any big changes. There was always something missing. I was as comfortable and as stuck as I could be. What started out a great opportunity with excitement and prestige became a job gnawing at my soul. The need for a change was a thorn in my side like in the movie Basket Case: A young man carrying a big basket that contains his deformed Siamese-twin brother seeks vengeance on the doctors who separated them against their will. Well, you get what I mean.
Basket Case 1982

When I got home from Las Vegas I was going to get the ball rolling but I got back into my routine and forgot about it. In May I said "oh yeah!" and decided to really pursue massage therapy and never stopped. I began school full time while working full time and was a mommy too. I knew it would be a rough 6 months but I was determined to make the career change. Massage hit all of the buttons I was looking for. Today I passed my national exam for my license.  The last step in making this urge a reality. There are many adjustments to this world of freedom outside of the corporation's "embrace" but I feel much more like myself.

“Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last.”Martin Luther King Jr.