Monday, August 10, 2015

Genetic Kinetics

When we had our first child in the delivery room I heard her cry and take her first breath. I was in awe that we would see a human being from her very beginning breath of life through so many firsts to come. No one would know of her life's narration like us. I've had no closer connection than parent and child. It is a force.

Last November I began getting irregular heart beats. My heart was beating out of my chest especially when I laid down at night. I could feel the adrenaline involuntarily flowing as my body tried to regulate the pace. I wondered if I would wake up the next morning. I had the emergency plan discussed with my partner if I couldn't speak or breath he knew what it was and what to do. I imagined myself pointing to my throat frantically unable to speak.

I thought I shocked my heart out of rhythm with the sudden cardio bursts when I used a trial gym membership and jogged for the first time in 'a while'. That's when I began to notice the arrhythmia, around Thanksgiving. "This old marathon heart has hung up her sneakers it has been too long, Little Mama". It continued into December so I attributed it to the stress of getting ready for an out of town trip that month.

When I got back the arrhythmia was still present so I addressed it.
My heart put on a show for the Primary and she sent me to the ER after the EKG. The show continued at the ER and even they were impressed, my heart beat was 110 then down then up and down. I was never faint it was more of a nuisance. After the cardiologist stress test and a 48 hour heart monitor on New Years eve, it turned out to be premature atrial and ventricle contractions. Not life threatening. I could take heart meds or deal with it on my own.

A relative had similar issues months before me and was diagnosed with anxiety.

What was my heart telling me?  I felt bad that I was so out of touch with myself that my heart had to go nuts to get me to listen. Yes, my mom's cancer was becoming more ever-present. I'll say we liked to just think she didn't feel well not that she was actually dying. She always felt bad then got better but the level to which "better" was starting from began to be pretty low around the same time as my heart issues began.

Instead of heart pills I turned to Reiki in February. Therapy without speaking. I didn't want to speak. My mom passed away in March. When she died I thought my heart has never beat without her in this world. Maybe the issue wasn't stress or loss. Maybe our energy connection was changing as she was getting closer to death and it made my heart out of sync. Now it has to rejigger, like I do, with the lost connection.
Heart next to my mom's safety deposit box I shared with her. I'd never seen it until I went to get some papers the day before she passed away. Who put that there? <3 

           ***Note: Since I've been getting Reiki my heart is much more regulated with few episodes of premature contractions.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Sometimes Crazy Smells Good

Liberty Van
We've all seen this kind of sight a time or two in life. I use to pass a similar car parked in front of a shabby-ish house on my way home in Takoma Park, MD. It's where art meets well, words and a little crazed obsession. Heck, my favorite museum is dedicated to this kind of art; the American Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore, Maryland. It's self taught artists "whose works arise from an innate personal vision that revels foremost in the creative act itself".

I was reminded of this today when I bought my favorite soap Dr. Bronner's. That "personal vision" writing is all over this product. But the ingredients are great, not animal tested and it's fair trade. So rant on Dr. Bronner, I support you.

Monday, November 24, 2014

I Think I Found Bill Cosby's Monster

In my job I play a detective. Trying to solve the mysteries of a person's source of muscular or body pain. Usually it is obvious, excessive computer use and sitting. Sometimes it's old whiplash. Every now and then I'm stumped. As we go on I ask more questions. I start to visualize myself in their body doing what they do for a living. As a teacher who stands in front of the class I feel where my arms and legs would be in order for one side of my body to be extremely tight (favors a leg). As a sales person often in the car why would my right arm be stiff (excessive texting). To solve the mystery I temporarily become them.

The past week I began to do this with Bill Cosby. The victims' stories are mind blowing so I have been compelled to make sense of it. How could such mysteriously bad behavior come from someone who acts like everyone's father? Why would anyone sane do these cowardly acts? It has made me feel tainted. If it is possible for him to fail at doing the right thing how close are any of us from becoming a monster?  I had to imagined myself as him to find the source I think to make sure we were different...enough.

I nixed the theory that it was a need for control; drugging someone into oblivion so you can have your way - there doesn't seem like anyone to control if they are unconscious. Too easy.

Why would someone want their rape victim knocked out...

So often the girls were 19 or close to it. Legally of age but still young enough to be unsure of themselves.

They were extra-ordinarily beautiful girls. So there is something about this age and beauty.

Today I got it.

My current theory goes something like this; when he was a young lad (pre famous) he was sexually shamed or sexually rejected by a beautiful girl who was aprox 19. Someone with whom he had strong feelings for. It was a pivotal moment that haunts him. It cripples him intimately.

He is intensely afraid of rejection and intimacy. 

As his fame grew getting beautiful women interested became easy but dealing with his fear of being sexually ridiculed/rejected was still there. With the fame came the partying and he began to see what the use of Quaaludes did via himself and the company he kept. Eventually he realized he could bypass the fear of rejection totally with whomever he was attracted to by getting them high. It became the norm to get them high before sex. I suppose fame played with his mind and he also began to feel entitled. He seemed to think if he helped them get a job or gave them a contact he was owed. Maybe it was 'they're using me I'll return the favor'. After all he was Bill Cosby. And it worked. Young girls are gullible and trusting (except of themselves). He found a rape loophole where everything lined up to work in his favor so he didn't get busted. He might have rationalized it as unspoken trade agreement.

Once he found his formula he eventually got so brazen as to create not one but two TV shows with a steady flow of 19 year olds streaming in. Think of the Cosby show and how Mr. Huxtable had 4 daughters all with staggered ages. He could keep the extras & understudies at around age 19 for 10 years if the show kept going. It did for 8 years. And then he created A Different World staring guess what? College freshmen girls*** 19 year olds!!*** I think there could be 100's of victims.

This is all a theory on an innocent man. But as a mature woman I am going to trust my instincts on this one.
P.S. Now I am thinking there could be an unresolved dad issue that caused self loathing too...

Thursday, October 23, 2014

My Lessons When Someone Else Bares It All

When I'm away from massage on my few days off I feel a little strange coming back into it. Touching mostly nude people with MY hands. These hands that use to type 30 plus emails a day and answer phones at my old job now know something more therapeutic. I have to reassure myself this is happening and I know what to do. I can help melt knots and tight muscles, aide in a person's health and healing if they allow it.

With this job I have to deal with many personality types, like in life, but here I have learned to put up my protective shield to stop the unwanted energy/responsibility. I had one client who complained of a constant headache from a bad eye surgery. The first half we were talking about many ways she had tried to fix the pain but with no relief and how no doctor wanted to get involved. I found myself feeling ill with empathy from her dead end situation. I needed to put up the wall and do my work. I just tried to use the information to lead my hands. I felt relief when I let myself be o.k. with no responsibility to fix her but I did offer her some avenues for her journey.

In this business I could take a class on techniques every week for five years and still have not learned everything. I am an infant in massage. That's why now when I get a client who is picky, angry, or judgmental I handle it better than I did in the past. I used to battle intimidation by these types but in massage I'm more relaxed. I'm aware that I can't be anything other than who I currently am. I offer good intention and all the tools that I have. One can choose to receive that or not I can only do my part. One client told me at the end of a massage that it was " a blessing". That made me so happy because she received my message/massage :).

Therapists can take it personally when a client doesn't relax. I am getting great at separating someone else's STUFF from mine. I had a client whom I could tell was very protective and untrusting when she would scarcely fill out the intake form. On the table she was stiff and kept her bra on, her arms clutched under her chest, her eyes open, she wouldn't use the headrest and she had her phone with her on the table like a Teddy Bear. She lay on the table contorted. This was a massage I was tempted to stop because I felt like we were wasting our time. She was not even relaxing so what was the point. But I kept on and told myself, "this is her massage it's not about me". I figured out her fear came in with her as we just met. It's never from me. I wondered what experiences she might have had that made her so uncomfortable. When I lifted the sheet to massage her leg her purse lay there under the sheet with her. I had to laugh to myself. I began to empathize and figured this was probably a big step in trust for her so I was glad to be a part of it. She was finicky during the massage; don't touch this or that and can you put the lotion on this way. I obliged her requests because I felt like she wanted me to give up on her. She really put up a fight when someone was being nice to her and I doubt many people had stuck it out with her. She even said the massage was good when we ended. Wow, you just never know what someone has been through!


Sunday, May 4, 2014

Quickest Beet Salad


Drain canned beets

          Add 1/2 pack crumbled Feta

                  Drizzle balsamic vinegar


add chopped walnut
add sliced onion
add to a salad
add spinach
 Dance in circles with joy!

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Happy Things

Sometimes in my world what makes me happy are things. Time and time again these items boost me up and make my insides smile whether I need it or not.
Good smelling soap. Meyer's for the hands and Doctor Bronner's Magic Soaps for the shower.
Meyer's Basil
French wine that lists what grapes are in the bottle. 'Bout time! Hallelujah!!!
Coffee with body (I had a bad run for a few weeks).
Snacks that are flavorful without guilt (unless you eat the whole bag).
Our surprise new kid goat, Chuckie.
So happy spring from me to you. I hope you find things to make you smile in the daily madness of life. Peace!

Friday, February 14, 2014

A Year And The Removal Of My Siamese Twin

Almost a year ago in March we went to Las Vegas for a 4 day vacation and my life changed. I had a massage at the Golden Nugget for about $120.00. Now massages for me are sacred and infrequent so when this high dollar rub down was unimpressive I had to wonder if I could make a better living doing massage then my tired corporate 9:00-5:00. 

Spending 13 years in the same department I had many fantasies of other careers but nothing moved me enough to make any big changes. There was always something missing. I was as comfortable and as stuck as I could be. What started out a great opportunity with excitement and prestige became a job gnawing at my soul. The need for a change was a thorn in my side like in the movie Basket Case: A young man carrying a big basket that contains his deformed Siamese-twin brother seeks vengeance on the doctors who separated them against their will. Well, you get what I mean.
Basket Case 1982

When I got home from Las Vegas I was going to get the ball rolling but I got back into my routine and forgot about it. In May I said "oh yeah!" and decided to really pursue massage therapy and never stopped. I began school full time while working full time and was a mommy too. I knew it would be a rough 6 months but I was determined to make the career change. Massage hit all of the buttons I was looking for. Today I passed my national exam for my license.  The last step in making this urge a reality. There are many adjustments to this world of freedom outside of the corporation's "embrace" but I feel much more like myself.

“Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last.”Martin Luther King Jr.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Don't Worry Be...Something Other Than Worried

First off, I have graduated Massage Therapy School with a 100%! Woot woot!

Without going into everything I'm trying a new approach to Christmas this year; no friggen worries! No, I'm not smoking anything. So far I'm less freaked out about everything happening ON TIME and perfectly than in the past and it's nice. Christmas Dinner has become our host night for extended family. We will have guests before Christmas too. Do I know what I'm cooking yet? NO. Do I have everyone's gifts ready? Pretty sure. Not. Once again this year's Christmas card has someone chopped off in one of the chosen images. If you've used one of those sites you know the cropping ordeal. Now it kinda cracks me up because that's who I am, well intentioned but imperfect and honestly I was over it.

I don't understand how I have been cooking for so many years now yet I still think I don't know how to cook anything (but awesome nachos and burgers). I actually have never made a turkey. This years right of passage will be TURKEY. Last year it was a roast which took a degree in beef. Maybe this is me being in denial but I'd like to think it's me trusting that the universe supports me and my winging it. There will be good food and good times.

In massage therapy class the first rule of thumb was don't judge your classmates...and if you do keep it to yourself. After all, you are vulnerable being undressed in front of strangers. That taught me a lot about my own judgements and need to express them. Would I want someone looking at my body on the table with judgement good or bad? In hopes that we each looked past the individuals' flaws or assets we instead found the studied muscles and bones that we all have. Our commonality.

Somehow that is part of my new relaxed perspective. I guess the less judging you do of others the less you do to yourself.
Happy Holidays, Ya'll!!
P.S. This pumpkin cake with brown butter frosting is pretty yummy and easy.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

There Are Many Roads To Detroit, Man

Qi translated is "breath" or "life force" in Chinese. Other ancient cultures have a name for it too; chi, prana, mana, lung, and ruah. In other words the concept and recognition of this -thing- has been around a really really long time.
photo from
After more than 5 months in massage class where we have focused on physical massage this past week we turned outward to explore energy massage. This has had the whole class bouncing. Even the teachers seemed less guarded. Stories were told about bad spirits getting into open people, chakras were cleared, polarity balancing was done, Reiki was explored, a zero balancing experience was told where an ankle walked across the room and back. We tried to see each others auras and feel them too. People felt mine. I have one, BTW.

In class I've had that tummy buzz feeling like back when I'd be at a slumber party where we played the Ouija board and our hands slid and pointed words out mysteriously. Or when we chanted "light as a feather stiff as a board" surrounding our friend in her pajamas lifting her up to the ceiling with only two fingers on each of our hands.

I half believe the magic of energy and want it to be true but I half think there is a reasonable explanation to dismantle the nonsense. I'm more of an observer and less of a subscriber to everything because I hate to be wrong.

The teacher, who is a Reiki master, was explaining how Reiki is tuning in and channeling the universal energy that already exists into someone to heal what needs it. She said it can be done over the phone or by thinking about them. A leery student began to talk about what she does in her prayer group and the teacher said, "There are many roads to Detroit". I thought that was beautiful. If you want to send someone positive energy, prayer, white light, love, it's all same, man! It's all good.

I'm a little excited to shake hands with something that is accessible and non denominational. After all one of the main reasons I want to do massage is to give healing through touch. If it's my energy or the available universal energy I'm cool with that.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Halloween Flashback

1983 Macon Chronicle (Macon, Missouri) 
One September in 1983 newly into the school year and near my 14th birthday, a young boy my age named Danny Joe Eberle went missing while on his paper route in Bellevue. Days later his body was found a few miles away outside town on a rocky road near the Base.

By this time women's lib was in full effect and there were no stay at home moms within my group of friends. We were all latch-key kids so after school my girlfriends often favored hanging out at one friend's house. That mom went a little nuts because we ate all of their food, annoyed her sons and probably made a mess. Another of the mothers was more strict and wouldn't tolerate our food invasions at her house plus she had a lot of 'house rules'. A few of us just lived further away so hanging out at other houses was out of the way.

Once this murder occurred the moms got together and it was decided we needed to have a designated home to go to after school so we weren't roaming the streets to get snatched up by the boogyman. I was excited that all of the mothers were going to meet and talk about us. The idea was that we were to take turns at everyone's house so there was a share in our protection (and finally the food consumption). The moms were going to come home early from work on their day to watch us. Logistically it never got off the ground and we all ended up back in the Jeanettas' cupboards.

This was also a time when we watched slasher movies for fun like Friday the 13th and Halloween I,2,3, Terror Train, My Bloody Valentine and The Funhouse. I would be going home at night after watching a scary movie where 20 people got cut up in the woods and end up running all of the way. That year Halloween had an extra scary dimension knowing someone was really out there snatching up kids. I'm sure all of the parents were more afraid than we were. The line between fact and film was blurry for us but we still had the cloak of parental protection.

For further reading on subject check out A Need To Kill.